Romance, Rom-Coms and Trigger Warnings: Navigating Valentines Day.

Written by Matthew Dickie.
Interviews by Matthew Dickie.

A quick note...
Hey reader. Welcome to our blog. We at SOC thought February 14th was as good of a day as ever to re-launch our blog. If you're returning, it's good to have you back! If you're new, welcome to SOC! We are excited to have the blog back after a hiatus and will be more active going forward (so please keep an eye out for updates and follow us on socials). If you're looking to be part of the community, we're calling contributors! If you feel like there is a piece you'd like to share via SOC, don't hesitate to email md.soldiersofcreation@gmail.com.

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Valentine's Day. A day of flowers, chocolates, heart-shaped items, romantic dinners, dressing up, cards, and blah blah blah. 

But for many, today is a minefield. 

February 14th. Valentine's Day. A holiday that dates back quite some time. But it wasn't till 1985 that this holiday became a commercial opportunity for one card company. They effectively created a bombardment of rose-coloured ideals of how love, romance and intimacy are supposed to look and be celebrated.

Since then, the commercial push that leads to cultural pressure to participate has reached absurd highs. Valentine's Day has become an industry worth tens of billions of dollars in North America alone. Your favourite sitcom features a holiday episode. Your favourite performer is promoting a new v-day rom-com. Reminders of dinner reservations or buying the right gift on social media show up nonstop. Peer pressure to participate in a "simple" card swap at school. Or feeling like you are required to put yourself out there to ask someone to a dance. 

The question bodes, how are survivors supposed to respond? 

Do you actively boycott it? Set strict boundaries? Ignore the day? What's the protocol here?

The truth is there's no one way to cope with feelings that Valentine's Day might surface when you're a survivor. Refute or embrace the day. Do what works for you. That's why we wanted to talk to a survivor about how they steer through these times can be emotionally draining and what advice they would offer.

*This interview was conducted with the understanding that it would not contain details beyond the survivors' comfort as they would prefer to remain anonymous. So, for the sake of the article, let's call him John. These wishes were met. This resulted in edits being made. No edits were made to alter the interviewee's opinion, perspective, or story.

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MATT
Are you a fan of Valentine's Day? If yes, or if no, why? 

JOHN:
I wouldn't say I'm neither here nor there about it. I couldn't care less if Valentine's Day was gone. It would be just February 14th. It's never really held any special meaning to me. You know, I think it's more of a commercial thing than anything else. You know, I got my wife some stuff for Valentine's Day because I feel it's the right thing to do now because I look at it as it's, you know, a special day.  

MATT
It's funny you mention it. Like that's the entire intro of this. It's a hallmark holiday. 

JOHN
Yeah. Yeah. I just find it just another commercial thing. 

MATT
Are you and your wife celebrating? As anything other than, you know, grabbing a couple of gifts? 

JOHN
No, that's it. We're not going out for dinner or anything like that. I got her a card, and I bought her some stuff.

MATT
You mentioned it feeling like a commercial day more than anything. Do you find socially, be it when you were younger, today or anytime in between, that there's pressure? Whether it be from family, friends or society to participate in the holiday or enjoy it? To have it be a notable day? 

JOHN
I felt pressure, peer pressure growing up, obviously. More coming from girlfriends than anything else.

MATT
How did you find that pressure presented itself? 

JOHN
Well, commercially, you heard on the radio, you don't see it on TV really, but you listen to it on the radio a lot. You go into any store, and right after Christmas, they've got Valentine's Day right out already, right? 

It's commercial. It's very much commercialized. When you're a young kid, or you're teens dating, or in your early 20s or whatever, you know, people say, 'what are you getting your girlfriend for Valentine's Day?' So just from me. So, from a commercial perspective, I participated when I was younger from out of obligation than anything else. It as a day didn't mean anything to me.

MATT
As a survivor, the day being a day about romance and intimacy that's shoved in your face commercially, is that something you find challenging to deal with or navigate? 

JOHN
I never looked at it that way.
But you may, you may be right. 
But I've never looked at it that way. 

MATT
Um, I mean, it's definitely a difficult thing to navigate for me. When I was in a relationship. Outside of that, I think I was substantially more in a similar perspective as yourself, of the holiday being like it's just another day. 

That being said, for single or people currently in relationships who don't share your indifference to Valentine's Day, what advice would you offer for making it through the difficult day? Or any difficult day? While the holiday may not be challenging for you, what would you suggest for those that find it tough as survivors?

JOHN
For me, prayer and meditation. Mostly prayer. I'm not a big meditation fan. I'm just starting to do that, working through that. So mostly just prayer, you know, and therapy. 

It's not talked a lot about in AA. It really isn't. It's not brought up other than sort of when you're telling your story. This is my life, and this is what I've been through. Because sexual abuse is not the cause of my alcoholism. It's not.

It's genetic, it's hereditary, I believe that 100%. 

But where you find one, you tend to find the other. 

But mostly therapy. Yeah, you know, that's I was 49 when I first admitted that it had happened to a therapist. It's 49 when I was when I finally talked about it. That was, you know, 42-43 years of not talking about it. My wife was the first person I ever talked to about it outside of therapy. But it's still taboo to talk about it, how you feel, what did I do wrong? You know? 

MATT
Totally. That was part of why Valentine's Day seemed like, when in a relationship, that it was a tough thing. The idea of being like, hey, just because this Day is supposed to be, um, as we’re presented commercially, you know, a day about romance and intimacy. Like I might not be feeling that way today, just, you know, by happenstance. But the obligation feels there. 

JOHN
You have to participate in it because that's what society I thought you needed to do. Or define what you're supposed to do, I guess.

MATT
I guess I didn't think about it before writing this in relation to myself. But I did think it may be something you have a take on. Off the bat, you said it's not something you really considered. But I still wanted to get your perspective on it.

JOHN
You know, it might be that my um my indifference of Valentine's Day might be because I was sexually abused. I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea. 

MATT
It presents itself in different ways, you know? But yeah, like before being in a serious relationship, that's the way I felt. My indifference, I think, was just indifference. Then upon getting into a relationship, I think I reconsidered it because I felt the pressure of participating.

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The excerpt added is not relevant to the post.. but found to be important to the writer.

JOHN 
I have to ask you, though, did you join this group because of your abuse?

Matt
It's kind of funny actually.

I don't know why they reached out to me. But I think I liked a post on Instagram, and it started a conversation. It was a post that I saw someone else I went to school with reposted. An outspoken survivor of assault. I liked the post. SOC reached out. Asked if I'd reshare.

(At the time I thought to myself - *I felt seen. And not alone)

After that, I looked into them a little more and saw they had some different positions available and applied.

And I think it was just something I needed to do, especially because I'm currently not in therapy. I was doing good, you know? After I got out two years ago or whatever, I did stop going. But I don't know. With Covid and everything, the idea of getting into relationships and stuff seemed very difficult, which made me start questioning things in terms of like romance. You know how that might be different for me as a survivor sort of thing. And I don't know, I thought, yeah, doing something like this would be like personally benefiting and it's just something worthwhile and a beneficial cause you know. 

Matt is a contributing writer and Editor at SOC.

Graphics by Matthew Dickie and Amber Pithie Renfrey